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This morning, I shaved my armpits and my legs and I feel so good now.  :)  OK, you would be justified in thinking this is TMI, but I haven't shaved in weeks because I couldn't afford those fancy expensive razor cartridges that I've been using (triple blades) on the Mach 3 razor thing.  While cleaning around yesterday, I happily found a small bag of unused 'junk' extra things which included one of those disposable, plastic blue razors.  I can't tell you how eager I was to shower this morning and shave. 

 Meanwhile, the last few weeks, periodically I've gone out and worn sleeveless tops (still quite warm at times) and I've been so embarrassed when I realized that I have been unwittingly exposing my hairy underarms.  True, having hairy underarms might be a product of only some socioculture bias (thinking of stereotypical jokes about European women, etc.), but frankly simple logic does not help my fragile esteem at this point.  Tiny things like being smooth, non-hairy, can make this indebted, unemployed cog feel so good and I'm a lot more confident today.

Plans for coming week:  I kept forgetting that Monday is a federal holiday (Labor Day) so I get an extra day to clean up at home in general.  Right now, I am focusing on things I CAN do, trying not to worry about all the impending ifs, ands, or buts.

One thing I am planning to do in the next two days is finally defrost and clean the refrigerator and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will help make it work better and longer.  It is a pretty old refrigerator (capacity about 10 cubic S.F. standard medium-small freezer top and refrigerator (fridge) bottom), but this summer I've noticed that sometimes the food in the fridge part is not always cold enough, even when it's been closed overnight and I open it in the morning.  Since I've had my unplanned family staying with me the last several months, it has been really hard for me to do major housecleaning in general (I have severe mentally distractibility issue) since they get underfoot and I don't want to take the entire refrigerator out of service for essentially 12+ hours while I defrost and clean it.  Also the coils in the back (this is very old refrigerator) need to be checked and cleaned though it can remain pretty clean most of the time.

Meanwhile I am researching how to get a new (replacement) refrigerator.  I see many opportunities for free refrigerators on craigslist.org and freecycle.org type of things, but the trick for me - I live in NYC - is that even if it is exactly suitable (not clear what is the maximum height and dimensions I can get that will fit up the stairs of this walk-up building and then through my apartment door, etc.) I need to make arrangements for pickup, delivery, and disposal of my old refrigerator.

I have heard of and finally visited a few local outlets that sell slightly used, or slightly damaged furniture and appliances and I am like, "oh boy!," as I see a lot of wonderful stuff, but need to plan all the logistics from the costs/expenses on up.

Just realized how OCD and worried I sound.  All I need to do, for now, is clean the refrigerator.  Admittedly I am afraid that the refrigerator will not improve, or will breakdown completely once I unplug it, etc.  The top, freezer part works pretty good, but it is somewhat small (even before the 1/2" thick frost!) and doesn't fit as much as I wish I could get, when I actually have a few spare bucks and see a good opportunity.  For example, a local periodic sale is for a bag of 20 lbs. of defrosted chicken parts for about $12 (@ $0.59/lb.), or a 40 lbs. bag of defrosted chicken parts for about  $20 (@$0.49/lb.).  Yes, it is alot of chicken, but if I could store all that extra chicken in separate plastic bags, etc., it is a huge cost saver and would last me at least 2 months, if I cook them in batches.  I know that the quality of these bags of chicken is usually a little intimidating, but proper cleaning and prepping before I stick all of it in a freezer would be great.

 It just dawned on me that maybe I should really focus on a deep chest freezer instead.  Always wanted one of those since I could do a lot of economical long-term shopping and then cook in convenient batches for convenience.

 Then again I also still have to figure out what I did wrong about the food stamps since they didn't renew my monthly EBT (food stamps) card balance, so I have to go in on Tuesday; I have to keep reminding myself that the offices are all closed on Monday.

This morning I realized that I'm near the edge because I had to call my local electric company to ask - again - to accomodate my inability to pay.  When the young rep on the phone answered, I was bluntly honest about being unemployed with no income coming, but that I have been trying to pump my friends, anyone, for money just to try and make the minimum payments per previously discussed plan, which unfortunately I have already failed to keep up with.  When the rep showed me such amazing patience and simply good (compassionate) listening skills, and then somehow gave me an even cheaper payment plan, I started to thank him... and then completely lost my false composure and collapsed into sobs because he was so nice to me.  I don't know who felt worse in that instant, before I embarrassedly hung up quickly with a fast apology:  me, for feeling sorry for myself in that moment and letting the dam burst, or him, for the subtle but detectable sympathy he felt for me for my situation. 

As unemployed for more than two years, I am single and fortunately had a good reserve of savings and downscaled expenses, but sudden family emergencies that avalanched beginning in December depleted everything I had.  Am thoroughly ashamed, depressed, and stressed out with not being able to handle my bills, afraid to answer the telephone, or when there are knocks on the door.  Like too many others during these economic downturns, I never imagined that I wouldn't be able to pay my bills, buy my own food (I'm receiving food stamps now and have also received food donations), or be so afraid of seeing my neighbors in my apt. building because I fear (paranoia?) they know I am so many months behind in rent.  I fear that horrible notice or letter that they can put on the apartment door, when a tenant does not respond to demands for prompt payment on arrears.  Yes, I also have consumer debt that I had been paying minimums on time till the recent personal financial emergencies, but now all those are in collections, or soon to be turned over to collections.

Not least, but I have two cats I love to death that I am struggling to feed (borrowing money, when possible, just to make sure they are better fed than I am) and maintain (cat litter!).  I have had them for years and when sometimes I feel lonely and abandoned in my situation, they remind me that I am not.

Also because of various stresses, I had been paying to see a psychiatrist and paying for medication out of pocket (not then eligible for medical programs), but now I am trying to apply for medicaid to cover at least medication.  My wonderful psychiatrist, I actually owe him money for office appointments, but he's given me time on the phone to counsel me when necessary and he's given me a few months worth of his 'samples' medication so I don't have to struggle to figure out how to pay for those. 

I never really realized what it was to 'be' poor myself.  Didn't come from a rich background, but I always prided myself on being self-sufficient and independent.  I've lost both.