This morning I realized that I'm near the edge because I had to call my local electric company to ask - again - to accomodate my inability to pay. When the young rep on the phone answered, I was bluntly honest about being unemployed with no income coming, but that I have been trying to pump my friends, anyone, for money just to try and make the minimum payments per previously discussed plan, which unfortunately I have already failed to keep up with. When the rep showed me such amazing patience and simply good (compassionate) listening skills, and then somehow gave me an even cheaper payment plan, I started to thank him... and then completely lost my false composure and collapsed into sobs because he was so nice to me. I don't know who felt worse in that instant, before I embarrassedly hung up quickly with a fast apology: me, for feeling sorry for myself in that moment and letting the dam burst, or him, for the subtle but detectable sympathy he felt for me for my situation.
As unemployed for more than two years, I am single and fortunately had a good reserve of savings and downscaled expenses, but sudden family emergencies that avalanched beginning in December depleted everything I had. Am thoroughly ashamed, depressed, and stressed out with not being able to handle my bills, afraid to answer the telephone, or when there are knocks on the door. Like too many others during these economic downturns, I never imagined that I wouldn't be able to pay my bills, buy my own food (I'm receiving food stamps now and have also received food donations), or be so afraid of seeing my neighbors in my apt. building because I fear (paranoia?) they know I am so many months behind in rent. I fear that horrible notice or letter that they can put on the apartment door, when a tenant does not respond to demands for prompt payment on arrears. Yes, I also have consumer debt that I had been paying minimums on time till the recent personal financial emergencies, but now all those are in collections, or soon to be turned over to collections.
Not least, but I have two cats I love to death that I am struggling to feed (borrowing money, when possible, just to make sure they are better fed than I am) and maintain (cat litter!). I have had them for years and when sometimes I feel lonely and abandoned in my situation, they remind me that I am not.
Also because of various stresses, I had been paying to see a psychiatrist and paying for medication out of pocket (not then eligible for medical programs), but now I am trying to apply for medicaid to cover at least medication. My wonderful psychiatrist, I actually owe him money for office appointments, but he's given me time on the phone to counsel me when necessary and he's given me a few months worth of his 'samples' medication so I don't have to struggle to figure out how to pay for those.
I never really realized what it was to 'be' poor myself. Didn't come from a rich background, but I always prided myself on being self-sufficient and independent. I've lost both.
